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 Help- Love 
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Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 8:45 pm
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Post Help- Love
When the person in your life says- Im falling out of love with you? What does that really mean?

Am I doomed?

anybody please help!


Tue Aug 12, 2008 8:43 am
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Without knowing the details of the situation, I can only speculate what's up. Here's what the possibilities might be:

1. this person's concept of you was based on how you were when you first met-usually the best version of ourselves-and as your relationship has progressed, you have both become more as you "really" are. With this sort of truth, comes the feeling that the fun is going away, and now things are more routine. This is why the first part of any relationship is referred to as the "honeymoon stage." Any faults, differences they might have seen are only now coming forward.

2. They have met someone else, or are finding themselves attracted to other people, and instead of being harsh with you, they are trying to be as clincally matter-of-fact as they can, in a way to let you know things are ending, and that you need to start planning a break.

3. The fact that as love progresses, it often becomes less the romantic type, and more the affection time. With this, people often feel the passion is gone or lessening, and want to still feel the thrill of not only being loved, but pursued, of being attractive, etc.



Whatever the reason, how you deal with this is of much greater importance. You need to sit down, and ask your partner why they think this has happened. Say that because they are so important to you, you want to do whatever it takes to keep their love. Do not fail in saying just how important this is to you. Avoid becoming over emotional, as this puts pressure on a stressful situation, and feels like blackmail through guilt. If it comes down to behavior or things that can be changed, promise to change, if you feel they're right in asking for this. And starting right away, CHANGE. If you promise something, and don't deliver, they will be guaranteed to leave. If the solution lies elsewhere, like a break, some time away, whatever, be supportive. If you freak, you'll do something stupid, and you'll be sure to end things completely. What you need right now is to keep your head about you.


Tue Aug 12, 2008 9:14 am
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the only way to know is to ask the person what they meant, it could mean many things. maybe you've done something they don't agree with, maybe they take the word "love" w/ less importance, maybe they are changing and need space etc. most importantly they said it and no matter what the reason you have to be glad they are not pretending everything is ok. at least they're honest. i hope it works out in your favor, so good luck. but you really need to ask them what they meant.


Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:05 am
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Post Re: Help- Love
polter wrote:
When the person in your life says- Im falling out of love with you? What does that really mean?

Am I doomed?

Well no, you're not doomed.
But your relationship probably is.

Previous advice seems very sound to me, but I'd add that the FIRST thing to find out is this:
is it because of YOU, or because of THEM?

If it's because of you, get some details and make an effort to correct for them if the relationship is important to you.
If it's because of them, well, you can try to adjust/compromise/compensate, but the odds are against you.

At the very least, if it all goes south, be grateful that you got an early and honest warning about it.


Tue Aug 12, 2008 12:44 pm
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I know people are saying "What the fuck does Rockula know about relationships?"
Well, I made it last 5 years with LRH (a lifetime record for both of us!)and the secret ingredient is honesty
Not only honesty with the person but honesty with yourself
Honesty means telling someone EVERYTHING that's going on instead of the few things you know that the person won't be able to use against you later
Many people keep their true emotions to themselves for fear that it might upset or push the other person away
Not only will that let the person with you know where you stand but it gives you an opportunity to examine those feelings in the open instead of with the limited view that internalization gives you
The most ridiculous feelings of jealousy and insecurity don't feel so ridiculous when you are talking to yourself
Once you get them into the open, you can both examine them in an objective manner
Not only that, but it shows respect to the other person that you by putting yourself in a very vulnerable position
You trust each other not to use those vulnerabilities as leverage
The key is to make sure the other person feels that you are mosre interested in solving the problem than judging them for those incredibly unreasonable feelings they have

Neither of you are right and neither of you are wrong
Once you approach both sets of emotions with that attitude, you can get past all of the defense mechanisms people put in place and really get to know each other
This closeness will strengthen the relationship

If things are irreconcilable, then you have to be as gracious as possible
You are/wrere with this person because you cared very deeply for them
That quality may still be there but people to change and it is their priorities, not their basic goodness that changes
A civil, dignified breakup is the best way to go (even if you want to beg them to stay or plunge a protractor into their eye)

LRH an I are incredibly close
She asks me advice on her boyfriends all the time
It is because of the honesty and courage to let it all out in the open that we succeeded as long as we did (and continue to succeed as best friends)

Do all you can to fix it
Do all you can to be gracious if you cannot
It will mean all the difference in the world once you see them with someone else
You can be happy for them (and happy for yourself as well) or you can be bitter and hostile which does no one any good
Besides, no chick wants to date someone who is still hostile and bitter over their ex

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Tue Aug 12, 2008 1:19 pm
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Yes, good advice everyone. Im afraid I might not be able to salvage this one. Ive done too many things I regret and ignored every possible sign. This is a very tragic situation, a very painful experience for me. She might come around and accept my apologies but I highly doubt it. I feel hecka gothic right now.. all super depressed and sad. kinda lol.... :(


Tue Aug 12, 2008 1:26 pm
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The problem is that "love" is actually a chemical reaction which releases a chemical in your brain in greater quantities at the beginning of a relationship but diminishes over time. People weren't met to be monogamous (it's against nature, really). What you feel initially is like what someone feels when they start taking a new drug, but taking the drug repeatedly after that diminishes the "high."

Once that chemical reaction diminishes relationships can either fall back upon the security of solid companionship or eventually dissolve with the promise of a new "high." It's entirely dependent upon the individual.


Tue Aug 12, 2008 9:38 pm
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Every time someone has told me that their SO said that, they got dumped. I believe that most of the time it was because they found someone else that they "loved" more.


Time to start on the healing, bro.

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Wed Aug 13, 2008 11:41 am
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I wrote a song about it. Goes a lil' somethin' like this:

"One, two, three, four,
she don't love you anymore,
Five, six, seven, eight,
Guess you'll have to masturbate"

...*drum solo*


Goddammit, nothing good rhymes with "twelve", so I guess there won't be a second verse.


Thu Aug 14, 2008 1:09 pm
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Nine, ten, eleven, twelve
Those marriage plans you'll have to shelve


Thu Aug 14, 2008 2:16 pm
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